OH SO ALIVE!!!

*SIGH* well...this could be my post! :-) Incessant sighing!:-) That's how I have been the past 2 weeks.

Ecstatic, afraid, joyful, excited, petrified, pushing my luck, laughing aloud in life's face, challenging the cosmos to throw whatever it wants my way, dashing across cities at an hours notice, being reckless, passionate, foolhardy, wise, emotional, rational, objective, prepared for the unprepared, child-like, completely woman, trusting, skeptical,....

..... singing aloud in welcoming bars, buying expensive scarfs for women I will never see again just cos I wanted her to have a part of my joy,running to catch ST buses,getting drunk at Not Just Jazz in the middle of the day, grinning like an idiot at being bought 2 dozen flowers at 4 in the evening, losing time for 2 hours in the middle of a Bombay day when I entered a 100 yr old home, being fed by absolutely wonderful warm strangers, being hugged a see-off by a 70+ old bent loving grand mom who urged me to stay for a few moments cos I laughed liked her granddaughter,...

.... crying happy goodbyes with my kids, being protected by my boys, quenching thirst with Thums-Up at 12 on an unused bridge in the middle of nowhere, bursting with pride when my girls offered a Pune trip, sighing with relief when a frightened loved kid was brave, pacifying a hassled ma, going nuts co-coordinating updates with a disgruntled sis, overflowing with joy at seeing bro on the drums, hugging a completely unknown 20 yr old boy for being so damned good at what he does,...

... walking into a formal office dressed in the shortest skirt and most over sized shirt feeling 'OH SO SEXY'!, beaming at two dozen complete strangers and feeling perfectly sane, blushing for 14 days non-stop, indulging unapologetically in excessive PDA, mooning and swooning unashamedly, prancing in the middle of hurried roads, being held still in the madness of life, making love to the moonlight on rocks with waves crashing around me, embracing the golden warmth of the sunrise perched on the top of the world, ...

...loving fatalistically, wanting desperately, believing hopelessly , hoping wishfully, consuming dangerously, giving in entirety ,romanticizing foolishly, praying selflessly, wishing selfishly.....living recklessly, disregardful of consequences..

*SMILE* Its been a hell of a two weeks!!!*SIGH*

Whatever

One of the good things about being honest to yourself( in my case, delayed honesty), is that it helps you spot your own bullshit much faster.
The bad thing is, sometimes a little harmless bullshit is quite a pleasant diversion from what is invariably the much harsher realities of a bullshit-free existence. Maybe harsh is too strong a word.How about barren?horrifying?spine-chilling scary?

*SIGH* Being a thinking, passionate, feeling individual works to my detriment. I want to be mundane, regular, stoic,stable,practical,less volatile, contained,less impulsive, incapable of feeling and wanting.

I SO want to have faith.Oh! I just want to believe again.MORE NOW THAN I'VE EVER WANTED TO!

New year wishes

FUCK NEW YEAR!!! :-) :-)

Lists...

I am happy!:-) Since am as mercurial as ever, I thought I should pen down thoughts running through my head, before I lose them. My happy moments are as transient as a fist-ful(empty?) of sand. I want to hold on to them.

While I have been living in constant gloom of loss, sorrow and uncertainty, there are things to be grateful for. I thought makes sense to 'list' them. :-) Its been a day of lists!:-) From making a long one and discarding it, to gleefully making another one and looking forward to adding to it.:-) Here's another list, of things that I take for granted, but I am actually hugely thankful for. Whoever is up there,' Hey buddy! Keep them coming!':-)

So ...here we go...

*Even though I don't have my home anymore, I have a house to come back to.
*Wherever Pa is, I know he is not in pain. Actually, am quite envious 'cos he actually knows what it is like on the 'other side.'( Wonder if he has met Adolf Furher, Indira Gandhi, Marilyn Monroe, Thomas Hardy(did a dog really eat his heart?!?!?) or Democritus. Damn! Pa is lucky!)
*I am family again.
*I am looking out for ma, sis and bro.
*Friends/family are standing by me and protecting me with their life.
*I have the means to start over again.
*My life can be whatever I want it to be.
*I am very lucky that I have the resources and support to go to Europe. That I can travel by myself, learn, evolve, experience,live.
*I am young, fairly intelligent, resilient and hopeful.(in spurts, but its there)
*I am capable of feeling like myself again from time to time. I let in a stranger. Turned out to be a wise decision(though obviously the wisdom wasn't intentional.Am yet reeling! HOW DID it happen?!I am being so careful!). I am laughing, thinking beyond myself, arguing, breaking down futile walls( brick by brick, but hey! its a start!), actually interested in another person (after what seems like a thousand years!), curious, feeling silly and brave at the same time.
Its me in flashes. Maybe I will be back.Maybe the healing is happening without my knowledge. Maybe I will wake up one fine day and find out that I am whole again. Maybe I will love again. Even if it is not for 'a forever'. I feel good in the company of another person. He makes me feel good. I like it :-)

*I am being fair.My integrity is something that I have not comprised on.
*All this unpleasantness(talk about understatements!This one takes the cake!) will get over, HAS to get over ...sometime.
* I have begun to lose weight.*BEAMING* Walked in & out of a pastry shop this afternoon. Didn't eat anything. WOW!! There was Lindt pastry. I smiled broadly and was out.:-)
*Walked 8 kms today.Regaining stamina, slowly but surely & steadily. Feels great!
*Silly as it may sound, I am quite thankful for You Tube and Lime wire!:-) OH! Also online/offline thesaurus.(Wordweb:-)) I am also going to throw in mobile phones and definitely SMS services!!! :-)

*I don't have to fit in. Ever again. I have paid my pound of flesh. The hardest part is actually over. I will never ever have to worry about being judged . I was right. It never mattered. Not then, not now.
*Maybe,once the fog clears, it will be picturesque, sunny and all in bloom.
*I have a choice. To choices.
*There's music, poetry, words and dance in my life again
*New year's round the corner. Hoping it will bring better times. Am almost optimistic and know the next year will rock.(*crossing fingers)
*Maybe, time will heal, what time does.

The 'one-day-at-a-time' thing is really scary, cos I wake up to uncertainty and the unknown every single day. But on days like these, I am so glad that each day is different from the other. Brings with it surprises. I am happy about that.:-)

Reality

...It isn't about where we are going,
but where we are;
for all journeys aren't meant till the end
just to walk alongside till far
for all the times we'll
kiss and spar
For all the wishes we'll
make on a falling star...

Dance with me

Take my hand
and insist that I dance with you
take me in your arms
and make the moment count

A little shimmy
half a twirl and a full turn
till my feet move to the beat
of your rhythm

I don't ask of much
except that dance with me
till I remember again
what it felt like to have twinkle toes

?

That poet, you know
the one who captured rainbows in words
who was so strange

Who placed her eyes on her ears;
and listened to
the sounds
of mute silences.
She would collect shadows of the moon
drops of dew
colors of clouds
scoop dreams
and roll them in her fist.

In the the dense jungle
of Time
she plucked moments
some tender
some ripe

Yes, that strange poet
who at night
lay weaving black space
into transcendental light
who traveled on beams of
emptiness to
the stars,
fell with a shooting star last night
and died.

They say, she committed suicide.