Random musings of a lost philosopher

The brand new me! :)

2010-03-16T01:40:00.006+05:30

Hey people!

For those nameless faces who mean a lot cos they read me ( and friends of course) here's where I write now. :) Fortunately the vein of thoughts and tapestry of writing is much more happy. :) I cant believe I am back in India and staying back! WTF! :)Cant believe I am alive! :)

To all friends/sis...Yes! Going to start writing again.Europe, Delhi, Bangalore :)

Love,

Kay

OH SO ALIVE!!!

2009-11-07T17:32:00.000+05:30

*SIGH* well...this could be my post! :-) Incessant sighing!:-) That's how I have been the past 2 weeks.

Ecstatic, afraid, joyful, excited, petrified, pushing my luck, laughing aloud in life's face, challenging the cosmos to throw whatever it wants my way, dashing across cities at an hours notice, being reckless, passionate, foolhardy, wise, emotional, rational, objective, prepared for the unprepared, child-like, completely woman, trusting, skeptical,....

..... singing aloud in welcoming bars, buying expensive scarfs for women I will never see again just cos I wanted her to have a part of my joy,running to catch ST buses,getting drunk at Not Just Jazz in the middle of the day, grinning like an idiot at being bought 2 dozen flowers at 4 in the evening, losing time for 2 hours in the middle of a Bombay day when I entered a 100 yr old home, being fed by absolutely wonderful warm strangers, being hugged a see-off by a 70+ old bent loving grand mom who urged me to stay for a few moments cos I laughed liked her granddaughter,...

.... crying happy goodbyes with my kids, being protected by my boys, quenching thirst with Thums-Up at 12 on an unused bridge in the middle of nowhere, bursting with pride when my girls offered a Pune trip, sighing with relief when a frightened loved kid was brave, pacifying a hassled ma, going nuts co-coordinating updates with a disgruntled sis, overflowing with joy at seeing bro on the drums, hugging a completely unknown 20 yr old boy for being so damned good at what he does,...

... walking into a formal office dressed in the shortest skirt and most over sized shirt feeling 'OH SO SEXY'!, beaming at two dozen complete strangers and feeling perfectly sane, blushing for 14 days non-stop, indulging unapologetically in excessive PDA, mooning and swooning unashamedly, prancing in the middle of hurried roads, being held still in the madness of life, making love to the moonlight on rocks with waves crashing around me, embracing the golden warmth of the sunrise perched on the top of the world, ...

...loving fatalistically, wanting desperately, believing hopelessly , hoping wishfully, consuming dangerously, giving in entirety ,romanticizing foolishly, praying selflessly, wishing selfishly.....living recklessly, disregardful of consequences..

*SMILE* Its been a hell of a two weeks!!!*SIGH*

Whatever

2009-01-07T01:38:00.004+05:30

One of the good things about being honest to yourself( in my case, delayed honesty), is that it helps you spot your own bullshit much faster.
The bad thing is, sometimes a little harmless bullshit is quite a pleasant diversion from what is invariably the much harsher realities of a bullshit-free existence. Maybe harsh is too strong a word.How about barren?horrifying?spine-chilling scary?

*SIGH* Being a thinking, passionate, feeling individual works to my detriment. I want to be mundane, regular, stoic,stable,practical,less volatile, contained,less impulsive, incapable of feeling and wanting.

I SO want to have faith.Oh! I just want to believe again.MORE NOW THAN I'VE EVER WANTED TO!

New year wishes

2008-12-31T10:09:00.001+05:30

FUCK NEW YEAR!!! :-) :-)

Lists...

2008-12-28T01:32:00.014+05:30

I am happy!:-) Since am as mercurial as ever, I thought I should pen down thoughts running through my head, before I lose them. My happy moments are as transient as a fist-ful(empty?) of sand. I want to hold on to them.

While I have been living in constant gloom of loss, sorrow and uncertainty, there are things to be grateful for. I thought makes sense to 'list' them. :-) Its been a day of lists!:-) From making a long one and discarding it, to gleefully making another one and looking forward to adding to it.:-) Here's another list, of things that I take for granted, but I am actually hugely thankful for. Whoever is up there,' Hey buddy! Keep them coming!':-)

So ...here we go...

*Even though I don't have my home anymore, I have a house to come back to.
*Wherever Pa is, I know he is not in pain. Actually, am quite envious 'cos he actually knows what it is like on the 'other side.'( Wonder if he has met Adolf Furher, Indira Gandhi, Marilyn Monroe, Thomas Hardy(did a dog really eat his heart?!?!?) or Democritus. Damn! Pa is lucky!)
*I am family again.
*I am looking out for ma, sis and bro.
*Friends/family are standing by me and protecting me with their life.
*I have the means to start over again.
*My life can be whatever I want it to be.
*I am very lucky that I have the resources and support to go to Europe. That I can travel by myself, learn, evolve, experience,live.
*I am young, fairly intelligent, resilient and hopeful.(in spurts, but its there)
*I am capable of feeling like myself again from time to time. I let in a stranger. Turned out to be a wise decision(though obviously the wisdom wasn't intentional.Am yet reeling! HOW DID it happen?!I am being so careful!). I am laughing, thinking beyond myself, arguing, breaking down futile walls( brick by brick, but hey! its a start!), actually interested in another person (after what seems like a thousand years!), curious, feeling silly and brave at the same time.
Its me in flashes. Maybe I will be back.Maybe the healing is happening without my knowledge. Maybe I will wake up one fine day and find out that I am whole again. Maybe I will love again. Even if it is not for 'a forever'. I feel good in the company of another person. He makes me feel good. I like it :-)

*I am being fair.My integrity is something that I have not comprised on.
*All this unpleasantness(talk about understatements!This one takes the cake!) will get over, HAS to get over ...sometime.
* I have begun to lose weight.*BEAMING* Walked in & out of a pastry shop this afternoon. Didn't eat anything. WOW!! There was Lindt pastry. I smiled broadly and was out.:-)
*Walked 8 kms today.Regaining stamina, slowly but surely & steadily. Feels great!
*Silly as it may sound, I am quite thankful for You Tube and Lime wire!:-) OH! Also online/offline thesaurus.(Wordweb:-)) I am also going to throw in mobile phones and definitely SMS services!!! :-)

*I don't have to fit in. Ever again. I have paid my pound of flesh. The hardest part is actually over. I will never ever have to worry about being judged . I was right. It never mattered. Not then, not now.
*Maybe,once the fog clears, it will be picturesque, sunny and all in bloom.
*I have a choice. To choices.
*There's music, poetry, words and dance in my life again
*New year's round the corner. Hoping it will bring better times. Am almost optimistic and know the next year will rock.(*crossing fingers)
*Maybe, time will heal, what time does.

The 'one-day-at-a-time' thing is really scary, cos I wake up to uncertainty and the unknown every single day. But on days like these, I am so glad that each day is different from the other. Brings with it surprises. I am happy about that.:-)

Reality

2008-12-28T00:04:00.002+05:30

...It isn't about where we are going,
but where we are;
for all journeys aren't meant till the end
just to walk alongside till far
for all the times we'll
kiss and spar
For all the wishes we'll
make on a falling star...

Dance with me

2008-12-27T17:16:00.005+05:30

Take my hand
and insist that I dance with you
take me in your arms
and make the moment count

A little shimmy
half a twirl and a full turn
till my feet move to the beat
of your rhythm

I don't ask of much
except that dance with me
till I remember again
what it felt like to have twinkle toes

The Poet

2008-12-27T03:51:00.005+05:30

That poet, you know
the one who captured rainbows in words
who was so strange

Who placed her eyes on her ears;
and listened to
the sounds
of mute silences.
She would collect shadows of the moon
drops of dew
colors of clouds
scoop dreams
and roll them in her fist.

In the the dense jungle
of Time
she plucked moments
some tender
some ripe

Yes, that strange poet
who at night
lay weaving black space
into transcendental light
who traveled on beams of
emptiness to
the stars,
fell with a shooting star last night
and died.

They say, she committed suicide.

Not brave...

2008-12-26T23:32:00.017+05:30

Its been a very long day. As I sit still for the first time in the past two days, I feel the 48 hours come crashing down on me. I promised myself that I wont pen down anything depressing. Its really hard. Its like am sinking in some abyss and I am watching myself as I fall soundlessly into the dark scary endless void.

I feel like how I felt all those months that I watched pa die in front of our eyes. It was the feeling of acute helplessness, despair and hopelessness . This is how he felt I guess. He kept saying that he wanted to live, and there was nothing we could do. Not a single thing!! I yet can feel his heartbeat as I hugged him the one last time. I just sat there and watched him die.

I really missed him today. After my meeting with the bank manager, I found myself in the middle of some unknown street and I was falling apart with life forms passing me by. I walked up to the side walk on the road, sat down on some brick and sobbed unabashedly. I just so wished that he was there to hold my hand, take me in his arms and get me home.I did eventually manage to catch a rick and go home. But for those 20 mins, in my head I could only hear screaming. I have never felt more vulnerable, more naked, more exposed. If pa was here, he would probably not understand my grief, but would make sure that I was bundled safely and tucked away in a warm place.

Its unfair that life goes on when I feel so much sorrow. That I am to live when I have no reason to and he had to die when he was so desperate to be alive. For some inexplicable reason, I feel immense amount of guilt . Is he watching me from wherever he is and does he know how much I want to give up? Does he feel like I stole life from him unwittingly? Does he think that I am a coward cos I want to give up fighting? I remember him telling me that I am the bravest girl he has seen, even if I am an impractical emotional fool. Is he disappointed in me cos I am yet horrified of all that is taking place? Is he judging me cos he can sense the pure terror that I feel ?

I cannot believe that nothing is really happening. That with how I feel, my heart is not physically disintegrating into a thousand pieces, that my body fails to respond to how my soul feels. It really amazes me that nothing is really happening externally while I am crumbling from inside.

Who am I fighting with? What for? Family & friends keep insisting that it is the right thing. I know it is true.While all my life I have reveled in my anonymity and freedom, I now stand stark naked in the spotlight and have nowhere to run. It physically makes my flesh crawl that I once lived with this man. That he touched me as & when he pleased. That I conned myself into accepting a man who was never worthy of my love. That I trusted him with my life. That I gave myself so unconditionally and completely to a man who didn't deserve me. That I let myself get fooled into pseudo concepts of relationships, marriage, security, normalcy, compromise,permanency and love.That I believed that honesty, trust and goodness was the key to forming long lasting relationships. That acceptance can conquer all differences and even the harsh realities of human frailties. That even today I cannot comprehend the deceit, pettiness and malice that seeps into my life by virtue of being associated with him. I feel tainted. I am scared this is how I will feel forever.

I hate that it that all of it began to matter so much, that now, when I am stripping away everything, instead of feeling exhilaration and free, all I feel is a loud hollow emptiness. I hate not knowing what my convictions are anymore. I don't know how to go about piecing my life together again. I don't know if I am to dream anymore. I keep wondering if maybe I am essentially a bad person and am being punished by the cosmos for not fitting in, for being who I am, for refusing to toe the line. I am really petrified that I might be permanently damaged and incapable of love or faith-in self, life, magic, peace, laughter.

I am exhausted. All I want to do is crawl into a cave, go to sleep and never wake up ever again. I so wish there wont be a tomorrow to face, get through, to fill up with 'getting-on-with-life' tasks.
I am tired of being brave.

YES!!

2008-12-26T00:39:00.003+05:30

MAN! I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!!!
The party rocked! Had an amazing time! The friend i went out with is one of the last few 'good people' left on the face of this earth! Love him for being so. Danced like a maniac, laughed uninhibitedly, thought about how lucky I am to be here feeling the way I did! Was told by some 7 people that I am great on the dance floor! It was all the smiling, I guess. :-):-)
I feel like its going to be alright! I was me today,completely! :) The short term near future also, unexpectedly seems like something I am looking forward to. :) Oh! By the way, it isn't funny just HOW MANY people seem to be in love. It made me feel wistful, but didn't allow myself to be sad! And yeeeiiieee! Not a drop of tear and its over 24 hrs!Did well up twice but did not cry. :) *very proud of myself! Hoping this is the first of many to come.*

P.S: am in Pune so no net connectivity. This is on my phone!:) how fancy am I!:)

Santa Claus & all that jazz!

2008-12-25T07:30:00.009+05:30

Its 7.10 in the morning( its might as well have been3.20 or something!), and not only am I up , but also ready and waiting to leave. Considering I ain't working(oh! Isn't it a bank holiday today!) , can somebody please tell me, how the hell have I managed to be so busy that I am constantly in motion and having to wake up at the wee hours!!!

Anyways, I woke to a 'Merry Christmas' message from a close friend. Makes me feel all christmas-sy! That's super cool! Just had the thought that pa will actually get to meet Santa Claus!!(Yeah! I believe in him! and the elves and reindeers and fairies and goblins and mermaids and...well , you get the general drift, I'm guessing!:-)

I'm going to Pune for work and to be with him for the festival... 'boycotting and rubbish! No excuses! There's going to be wine and moms cake, hot not-eligible men and lots of dancing!Listen Kay, and I don't have a dancing partner! I might have to dance with the woman with facial hair. Come on! Be a doll!:-)' AH! He sure knows his target audience. I ask myself, '...and dancing!?!' Strike and crap!*LAUGHING*And to be honest, I cant do that to him. I know facial hair freaks him out. :-) (no offense meant here; heartfelt sympathy to women/men who have to worry about it!)

And now I get to know that he's actually taking me out to a proper Christmas dance where the dress code is fancy formal and all the works!Yeeeeiiiieeeeeeee! I am excited!!!My first non-stained festival! And the express drive! :-) Going a complete 24 hours without crying seems very do-able!:-) I LOVE PUNE WINTERS!!! The cold, the roadside fires, the caps & boots, people cuddling up in public places, Christmas lights all over, bakeries full, churches all lit up and carols, the sound of music and laughter! I so wish it snowed here!!!*POUT*

So, here's wishing everybody a very Merry Berry Christmas! Hoping that magic and love and music fill all our lives, and even though life may not be the party we hoped for, lets make sure we dance. *MMMMMMUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH*

*HUMMING*....I'm dying for some action I'm sick of sitting round here trying to write
This book
I need a love reaction come on now baby give me just one look....

I aint nothing but tired, man Im just tired and bored with myself
Hey there baby, I could use just a little help.....

You cant start a fire, you cant start a fire without a spark
This guns for hire even if were just dancing in the dark
even if we're just dancing in the dark....'..

hmmm hmmmm..*SMILING*( man ! Bruce Sprinsteen rocks!!)

Who am I ?

2008-12-25T00:54:00.006+05:30

Hmmm... I am not upset. Not angry. Not messed up. Just plain sad.

I realize that I might be at the risk of becoming a person that I am not. Like 5 yrs later, I might wake up , look at myself in the mirror and not recognize who I am. That is a very scary thought. What surprises me is that, like most epiphanies, I had this one when speaking to a stranger.
What was most striking(and appalling!) was how conveniently I chose to overlook his sentiment or intention; how easily I chose to believe the worst in him, how unflinchingly I asked of empathy while refusing to extend even an iota of understanding. What gives me the right to demand off people when I refuse to offer? What makes it ok to expect them to feel my sorrow but not consider theirs?

My strike with the human kind started off because I had to shield myself. But walls that were raised to protect me, have become walls that restrict me. I am hiding behind them, refusing to be a part of the world, while the world within those walls are as stifling.

Sure I haven't had the most comfortable life. Sure there have times ( more than my fair share) when I've been stranded, helpless, lost, vulnerable for no fault of mine. Sure I've been hurt more in the name of love than any other less abused emotion .Sure there will also be a strong strain of melancholy to my free spirit.
But so what? How did I become this whiny, scared, little weakling who is afraid to face life in the eye and say, 'Yeah! Bring it on!'.
I realize that the wounds are too fresh, the pain to intense, the hurt to raw, yet. I realize I need help and love to heal. I realize that there are people who care intensely, who will help me get back on my feet. And that being vulnerable need not necessarily mean I am weak. It just means that I don't have the strength right now, cos I have used up all of mine; and so need to borrow from my loved ones.

However, at the same time, I need to be able to empathize with people, to be able to look beyond me and reach out, to be able to say that I am lucky that I ain't meeting liver- eating psychopaths!:-) To HAVE to respect people enough to let them be who they are just as I expect them to give me that respect. I have to work to evolving into the person that I am capable of being and not the one that I am resigning myself to . I need to regain the ability where I can meet a stranger without a frisson of paranoia , follow my gut instinct, smile at a passerby, be ok with a person having an opinion(even if it is depressing) without flashing my sorry state of mind in order to make them feel apologetic.

Yeah! I am turning exactly into the person that I am boycotting the world for!!!*SERIOUSLY HORRIFIED*

Here's something that shook my equilibrium [achieved with a lot of hard work!:( ] and made me burst into tears for some full 10 minutes! while it reflects my most acute fears, I did realize that it was at the end of the day just that, the fear that these might be the lines that sum up my life.

"...My life had become an oxymoron. There had been a time when I wasn’t this miserable. I had some love left in me a long time ago. I had been in love, I had had a life, and I had cared for someone other than me. I had so many memories boiling in me right then and I didn’t know what to focus on. I knew I was nearing the end of my life. Forty years had passed by and I had been a meek spectator, with nothing left to look forward to, and nothing left to say but sorry. "
extract- Remembrance(short stories)

But hey! My life isn't over! This isn't the final judgment I pass on it. I can be who I want to be, what I want to be. The judgment I pass on my life, is what I make of it. I can choose to be the spectator or the director. I can make it such, so that when the final curtains are drawn, I do not have to say sorry, but 'Thank You! It was the best show ever.'

Not alone

2008-12-24T20:31:00.006+05:30

"We three,

We are not alone,

We are not even company,

My echo, my shadow,

and me....."

Am not sure this is me. Ummm...I wanted to write, not really knowing what I wanted to write about. And this is what my fingers type. Is a little unnerving, but then, how can I be spooked by something that I don't even know. Maybe I AM bipolar and its my alter ego writing this!*SMILING* Quite an interesting thought actually! Definitely worth pondering over. :-)

P.S: More than 24 hours and not a drop of tear! DUM DUM DUM!!:-) :-) Maybe I haven't lost all of me! Though must be honest, very scared. Keep expecting something to go massively wrong.*POUT* I don't like how paranoid I have become.

A fairy tale night

2008-12-23T00:34:00.003+05:30

I read this poem and it made me smile...firstly cos I thought it was beautiful, then cos I was amazed that people actually write such crap and finally cos, I realized, I was being crabby because it was a case of sour grapes!( I didn't write it....worse, I haven't felt that way in the longest time.I havent been in the presence of pure, undiluted love like that(oh! I am speaking strictly of the non-platonic kind of love here:-) )

a fairy tale night

'Last night
the dew fell
softly
softly;
it fell on the closed lips
of the petals;

Under the veiled night
the fairies
unfurled
the wings of the tales;

In the dull murmuring of the heart
two souls swam
as if weighing the sky
on their delicate wings.

Last night
was beautiful.
Last night
my dream were alive.
Last night
I was with you."

Freaky....

2008-12-22T23:50:00.007+05:30

I got hugely freaked out by myself today.There are still traces of random medicines at home that we missed while throwing out pas' medicines.

I was cleaning/setting up my room and got 5 strips of Calmpose. I stared at it them for 30 seconds and then hid them deep inside my wardrobe. I then went around doing my own thing like everything was normal. It kept playing on my mind the whole day. I could not get myself to throw it away or flush it. I just could not. I feel oddly happy, peaceful. I like the fact that I have the choice to life and death. To MY life and MY death. I kept asking myself the whole day, 'do I really want to die?' The answer was a resounding NO. But , then I realize that is the wrong Question. The important question is, 'do I really want to live?'. I don't get a resounding yes. When everything is so out of my control, I feel hugely comforted by the thought that if I want, I have the choice to end it it all...and the tools. Yeah!! It feels awesome!!!

I have been so busy running around, doing the necessary things to have a semblance of some future, trying to be happy, trying to get on with the business of life, that I have shoved all the pain/hurt/anguish in some back drawer of my being, locked that drawer and hidden the key. I dont think it is healthy. I dont think I am OK...as much as I want to be!!! I am trying hard, really really hard.But it isnt working. I want to be sure of life, love, peace, goodness.

I want to be able to turn around and flush those pills away without feeling that I am throwing away my only hope.

My dear bro...

2008-12-22T20:34:00.002+05:30

My dear 18 yr old brother, who is 11 yrs younger than me, sent the following message on receiving all the stuff I sent him from my house.

"Just got the package. The TV *sniff* is beautiful! Def gaming on it. I am having multiple orgasms."

*BLUSHING* We definitely belong to different generations! At 18, I didn't even know what an orgasm was! Let alone multiple ones! And, I think I am prude! Quite ashamed of myself!!*GRIN*

The Perfect Man

2008-12-21T13:22:00.006+05:30

Well, I'm 29 and single( not officially, but technically). While all friends & sis, bro are relieved that I finally am myself , they are most united in the opinion that 'I am not marriage material and should never ever think of tying the knot ever again, in any of my lives.'
My bro ( who is 18 and quite a dude) cared to expound-'Pinx, you are a rock star!You are feisty, mad, intelligent, strong headed, and an original whacko! Rock stars don't get married. They get paid for being themselves,dope, drink, travel, do nutzy stuff and have a lot of rampant illicit great sex'!' WOW!!! I was impressed! While I don't really know if I am supposed to be flattered by that analysis,(think he was doped!he isn't prone to gushing like that) it sure made me feel good!

At the same time, my dear ma who is insanely protective of me right now given that am all vulnerable and unsure of being me, cannot stop politely mentioning how I need a man to ...well...to complete me, look after me, be a companion to me .Well....all that crap and more!!! She believes that I live in la la land and that am too idealistic to survive in the world without getting hurt. I remember reading the particular poem and thinking it was funny. I obviously couldn't share it with my ma, but here's it.

"The Perfect Man

The perfect man is gentle
never cruel or mean
he has a beautiful smile
and his heart is generous & clean

The perfect man loves children
and will raise them by your side
he will be a good father
and good husband to his bride

The perfect man loves cooking
cleaning and vacuuming too
he'll do anything to convey
his feelings of love to you

The perfect man is intelligent, sharp and sweet
writing poetry from your name
he's a best friend to your mother
and kisses away your pain

He has never made you cry
or hurt you in any way......
OH SCREW THIS STUPID POEM............
THE PERFECT MAN IS GAY!!!!!!"

PERFECT!!!!Not that I have anything against gay men. Its just that its such a loss to women like me who unfortunately do like the male species. And just for the record, I aint looking for marriage . Am glad that I dont have to pretend to believe in that pseudo institution .:-) :-) :-)

Then & now...now &near future?:-)

2008-12-20T22:21:00.007+05:30

So..... ....keeping in the spirit of my previous post, here's a thing about the current me.
I AM FAT!Not pleasantly plump, big built, slightly overweight, voluptuous,curvy...I am just plain lumpy fat!!! The reason being that have spent the last 6 mnths at the hospital with pa and have just stayed put without working out at all. And of course pigging out like food was getting extinct and I needed to stuff myself with every thing edible I could lay my hands on /call & order for, didn't really do any good either.

As a result of all the gluttony, I have put on 11 solid kilos!!! That's like a personality change!! What's a little consolation is that ma & sis have also all bloated up, but its really one huge reason that I wake up in a bad mood everyday. My awesome clothes don't fit me, my face has no features-just 2 slits for eyes, 2 nostrils for a nose and an opening for a mouth, I feel unattractive and my confidence is somewhere on the seabed of the Arabian ocean!

So, I finally stopped being a loser, cribbing, making excuses and went on a diet from yesterday. Also started swimming. Can do only 42 laps(breadth, 22mts -its an Olympic size pool) in 50 minutes! I could do a 100 laps in 65 mins six months ago!!! So obviously what was supposed to be a feel-good session is invariably depressing the life out of me!

Its not just about being fat and am physically unattractive. I am also hugely freaked out about being unfit, unhealthy, developing breast cancer, spoiling my complexion , having a heart-attack, etc etc . Having a medico sister is unfortunate because she never stops talking about all the grave illnesses that she know of. (there are a lot them , damnit! And almost all of them are related to obesity!) .So, am all set to stick to my healthy sensible diet, working out at least an hour a day to build my stamina, keeping fit and being all sexy and curves soon.

In order to keep me motivated, I went through my '6 mnths before' snaps and damn! It does make me feel good. So, here are a few of my 'pre-mammoth-phase' photographs. I'm going to get there soon baby! Soon...:-)

I, me, myself.

2008-12-20T22:06:00.005+05:30

I realize that I've only been writing about myself and my dear ones. However, thats what my life consists of these days. Apart from losing my mind about my 'going-nowhere-painful-as -live-mummification' divorce , running around for my visa and future plans, the only thing in my life is a few people. So obviously I am going to be writing about them.

Also, till the end of Jan, I am presuming most of my posts are going to be about me. Not the sorry state of Mumbai, politics, movies, music, philosophy, books, relationships, insights into life, but unapologetically me!!! I ain't usually this self absorbed, but considering that I have spent the last 6 mnths being totally consumed by pa & family, I desperately need this luxury of being selfish. I guess its a part of the dealing & healing process. I will hopefully also write about more stuff, but this is just a warning to people who might be a little taken aback by the narcissism my posts might reflect! *GRIN*

Cosmos rules!

2008-12-19T23:14:00.011+05:30

Well, something that meant a lot in the past few weeks is that a friend who became a stranger got back in touch. Quite out of the blue, just like that. A fight that seemed huge 6 mnths ago, feels so juvenile & senseless now. To be honest,I don't even remember what enraged me then.(Like enough to wish him dead!!! Jeeez!That's an extreme even for me!) Anyways, here's the letter he sent me( by post...not email! :-) though I must admit, he actually typed it out, instead of writing it.)And what takes the cake that he signed at the bottom, just above his name!!!Talk about ridiculous!!!*SMILE*

"Dear Kay,

I wish you hadn't told me that you are arrogant and you loved being so.I wish you hadn't wanted to see me die.Well, I wish you had at least apologized after that. But then I'd have done the same if I were 28. And I am not, almost 35 here.So why did I wake up this morning if I were to remain same like what I was yesterday? I am trying hard to be forgiving and yet loving at the same. I had to stop talking to you cause I detest arrogance , but I missed you more than you probably might have.Now I begin to realize the irony, and I understand we must allow others to grow, give then space, in every sense.And no, you are not just another one who bit the dust, no one ever does. I respect all my friends and when they get close to me, they stay close.

Here are the movies I promised. And some more. Hope you like them.

How have you been? I havent got your texts in my mobile for a month now, so I dont know how your dad is. I did read your blog and it brought me to tears.

To stir any shit up isnt my intention, and i'd perfectly understand if you chose to ignore this.Just wanted to let you know that you always stayed close to me.

Here is one of the quotes that I love most.Its attributed to buddha.He said,"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned."

Love,
(actual sign)
***(name)
(somehow I liked calling you Kay)

In general, it is a sweet make-up letter. But trust me! coming from him, this is most excessive piece of unadulterated mush ! Like I almost had a stroke and then re-read it to confirm that those were actually words on paper. And this coming from a guy I strongly believed was as sentimental as wall hanging!
While I am sure that it was written when he was drunk or high or low or at least in a momentary lapse of his normal self, it nevertheless made me feel extremely good:-) :-) Good about myself, about him, about what we maybe had, about what we might have, about all those senseless, nameless,unreal relationships that are so important to make you the person you are. Just goes to prove how wrong I can be and how what I perceive of people need not necessarily be who they are.And well,apologized about a lie [a huge one!:-( ] and told him the truth. Seems frivolous but hell, am so glad that I got it out of my system and that I ain't being untruthful!! Its amazing how frivilous things begin to matter so much. Anyways...am guessing all's fine now..:- ):-) and my sovenier list count is intact!!!:-) YIIPPPEEEE! Most importantly, my theory of the cosmos never handing out crappy people is true!!! :-)

P.S: just for general know ledges' sake, he isn't as sweet and amicable as the letter suggests.If anything, is most exasperating, opinionated, argumentative and lackadaisical!!!Ummmmm...but then I guess thats maybe a part of what I like so much. So, I ain't complaining!:-) :-)

Sparks of joy

2008-12-19T21:59:00.011+05:30

Ohhhkaay...an honest admission...I am finding it extremely difficult to write anything happy. So obviously!, I am hugely freaked out about it! Like how pathetic have I become if 'I' cant write anything funny, or write about stuff that makes/made me feel good!!!Awful! Just awful!! Anyways, since I made my self a promise and I ain't going about breaking it(especially not on the first day) here's something that has added joy to my joyless life in the past few months.(ummm...it wasn't joyless then, was it?) Precious moments that I to easily forgot too remember.

An effort....

2008-12-19T11:38:00.005+05:30

The past 3 days have been crazy!( for want of better words!!!!) . Have been shuttling between Bby & pune like going from one room to another. I have been in a constant bad mood.(that's an understatement). I oscillate between sadness, anger, absolute confusion, intense fury, feeling of complete foolishness and am always bursting into tears. What follows is a conversation with my sis on my way back to Bby & we are trying to meet up.

SETTING: me in a cab shared with a family who is dropping their DIL to the airport. The DIL is calling up her relatives ( half the population of India!) and having the most fake goodbye conversations ever. The kid cannot stop making precocious smart ass comments and giggling. Husband is trying to keep his hands on the wife in order to get as much as last minute action as possible. Father in law(who is half deaf and hence believes the world is deaf) is screaming his head off trying to bless his DIL and being cute in general...'Dubai ka paani le aana bitiya. Suna hai vahan ka paani bahut meetha hota hai'.(SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!)

So given the setting, its obvious that I am in a special bad mood. Have already pooped on their joy and asked all of them to cut it out in the name of some civic since.( Yeah yeah! I know! I know I was just being a crabby bitch!So? That's who I am these days!!)

Sis: (calling up the 3rd time)
Me: (bag starts ringing. Cant find my phone in the endless pit that is my purse.)
Sis: (persistent calls)
Me: (bags ringing. Plonk my backpack,get down in the midlle of the road while signal is red, zig zagging through the vehicles, two dozen cars honking at me in fury, run like a mad hatter to hail a rick...bag is continuosly ringiing.)
Sis: tring tring
Me: (finally take the call) What the fuck chinky?
Sis: (being patient) are we meeting or not?
Me:( screaming) I thought we were.Are'nt we? What the hell man!!!
Sis: ( continues being understanding) We are .I am just confirming.At Parla is ok with you?
Me: bhaiya!!!! Aapko bloody raasta nahin malum hai kya?!(this is to the rick driver) You fool I will bloody get lost, trying to meet you.(this to my sis)
Sis:( taking a deep breath) You wont get lost. Its very simple. Just come, ok?
Me:( swearing at sis. Get tired of screaming. Hang up on her)
Me: (msging sis) just **** ***!!!!
Sis:(msgs me) 'we'll go to my dietician.
Me: (msg) ok.Take an appt for me.
Sis: (msgs me) I am scared cos she is strict.
Me:(msging sis) you are a spineless wuss!
Sis: (msgs me) Fuck off Pinky!!! I am tired of your barking!
Me: (msging sis) you are a *****!!!Just **** ***!!!

SILENCE......SILENCE....

SILENCE IN MY HEAD.....

I re-read the msg and start laughing! I cant believe she said that in those many words!!!Man!! She hit the nail bang on the head!!!! That's how I am these days.
Even to myself, all I do is keep screaming, even in my head. I don't remember the last time I was not agitated. When I just took things for what they were. When I last laughed wholeheartedly. When I smiled without being scared that I might cry. When I last felt hopeful. When I last felt safe . When I last did not worry . When I last was sure that life would be fine. When I last felt confidant, sexy, intelligent, productive. When I last didn't have the urge to run away when with people. When I last accepted people for who they were without judging them. When I was not angry or perplexed. When I last had faith in myself. When I last was sure to go after something I wanted without an iota of doubt.

*sigh* so...now, I've come up with what I think, is a great idea. I am consciously going to make an effort to be happy until it comes to naturally again. Since I write to vent, I am going to make it a point to write about things/thoughts that make me smile, feel good everyday. Its difficult to see beyond all the ugliness right now, but there definitely are somethings that make me laugh, that make me feel good. So....here's to more interesting reads....:-) ( I am smiling already!)

*P.S: my sis isn't prone to being wise a lot. At least I wouldn't like to think so. But she did manage to make me laugh and not be too grumpy that whole evening. So this post is dedicated to her!:-)

Me....in a million pieces

2008-12-14T19:21:00.011+05:30

I came back from Pune last night. I finally wrapped every single thing in my house and disposed it. Utility goods over 3 lacs, that I had paid for over the past year. Things that I had picked, chosen and bought, not with the intention of furnishing my house, but building my home. I unscrewed all the light fittings,packed over 600 books, emptied and washed my fridge, disconnected the TV, dusted the sofa, pulled down the curtains, put my crockery in cartons,emptied the cupboards, put my clothes in suitcases, stripped the beds off bedsheets and cushions, tossed photographs in boxes, put souvenirs & gifts collected over years in bags . Then I systematically helped the movers & packers pack everything clinically, efficiently, loaded it in a huge truck, signed the form for 33 cartons, paid the money and sent it all away.

I sent my whole adult life away into nothingness. My happiness, dreams, aspirations, future, security, normalcy, ticket to being a part of the 'normal' society, life with P, capacity to feel love and acceptance, chance at a family...I finally took a stand and tossed it all away. My life is over. 8 years of my life don't exist anymore. I went back upstairs and looked around. The safest place in the world, my haven was no longer there. What was once my warm, full of life, inviting, elegant , quirky home is now 4 walls striped bare. I pulled my home apart, piece by piece, with my own hands. I did not cry. D was with me. She gave me a long bone crushing hug. I wanted to ask her to let me lie down and do me a favor by holding me while I died. I did not tell her that. I just stood there in her arms. I did not die. Nobody has ever died out of soul wrenching sorrow. We then walked out, locked the door, came down and sat in the cab and left. I didn't look back.

I have officially moved back with Ma.(its singularly one of the most humbling experiences ever!) After 12 years, during which I struggled to be independent and self sufficient, my life accounts for nothing. My 8 years of marriage is now a constant source of unending pain. I am trying hard not to bitch about P. I am trying hard to remember all the good times we had. I am trying hard to not be bitter.I am trying hard to not scream and tell people that I was right 8 years ago when I didn't want to get into the arranged marriage. I am trying hard not to blame anybody. I am trying hard to believe that this is just an insanely terrible phase and that it will pass. I am trying really really hard to be optimistic and think that life will be ok ( maybe even great).I am trying hard to not feel the regret that I didn't have a baby last year. I am trying hard to be brave and not wallow in self pity . I am trying hard to not be afraid of the unknown future. I am trying hard to convince myself that I will be whole again.

(P.S: I have deleted the latter part of this post in order to try and not be malicious to P. Guess fairness isn't really something I should be worried about, and considering it is my blog, I am entitled to write whatever please me. However, I do not want this to be a place where I indulge in mud-slinging. So here's to the me that I am proud of.)

He is not there .

2008-12-13T22:55:00.018+05:30

I've been meaning to...wanting to write. It has been impossible to do so.
Pa died a month ago. He suffered a lot. 5 long months he consumed all of us completely 24/7. The last month that he was alive, I prayed every single day for him to die. I even seriously considered giving him an overdose of his medicines that were anyways of no use to him. I knew I would not feel a single iota of guilt. But, I didn't.

And then he went into a coma. He stopped responding to smell, touch, voice, painful stimulus. He stopped being the father I loved with all my soul, hated with passion, admired with a grudge, fought with vehemently, respected with secret reverence, turned to when I felt all was lost. He became the father I wanted to protect, give my life to, pamper, keep happy, pray fervently for,keep touching and kissing ( much to his irritation!), miraculously make strong again.

For 4 days, he kept getting worse. A limp body that was rapidly collapsing. And then he died. There were no histrionics. We all cried in grief and relief. I knew that wherever he was, it was definitely a better place than here. Hundreds and hundreds of people turned up to pay homage to a man who demanded respect and lived life fearlessly on his own terms.

The past month has been a blur. Human beings make living and dying so difficult that I find it impossible to believe that we are considered the most intelligent species on this planet. Every single person who could make life miserable for my family and me, did so.Including my husband(or should I say, ex).

I have lost faith in human beings after seeing how much pettiness and meaningless malice they are capable of. The little part of me that was alive and trusting, has finally lost. I surrendered my idealism at the altar of survival.

We were so busy fighting to keep Pa alive that we did not prepare for his death. And now it is so huge that the sorrow is corroding my heart. I miss him, more than I can put in words. I wake up 4/5 times night after night and search the house, subconciously looking to see if he is ok or wants anything. I pray that ghosts exist and that I bump into his ghost. My mind has become a wide screen where I keep replaying snapshots of the past 5 months to the effect that I sit still, alone and stare into space for hours at stretch.I play the 'IF PAPA WERE HERE HE WOULD-....' game all the time in my head.

My head, heart and soul shut have shut down. My body moves in a daze of repeated motions that I know I'm supposed to perform, like a zombie.The empty shell serves its purpose of hiding the emptiness within.
For some 10 odd days that I was alone, I spent every waking moment drinking myself into passing out, day and night, night and day. Maintaining the facade of normalcy is taking a huge toll. I am not OK. Life is not what it should be. I am not what I am supposed to be. I see myself rapidly disintegrate into pieces. It feels like I am drowning in slow motion. I am scared for myself.I cannot do things that are most important to me right now.

I cannot not write a eulogy for him. I cannot get myself to sob in grief and mourn .
I cannot comfort ma, chinx & manav.
I cannot get myself to thank all those hundreds of people who came to offer their condolences.
I cannot get myself to be grateful to those relatives who stood by us against the world when our blood ties took us to court, the police station a few days after pa passed away.
I cannot get myself to have faith in the higher power and believe that Pas' soul exists.
I cannot see that my mother, sister & brother are experiencing the same loss that I am.
I cannot offer peace to myself in the knowledge that Pa is not suffering anymore.
I cannot forgive P for not being there during a time when I was most vulnerable and fragile.
I cannot get myself to turn to friends who love me to death and ask for help to help me stay afloat.
I cannot rationalize the insanity that followed Pas' death.I cannot shake off the disgust that clings to me like second skin.
I cannot help thinking that I wish I was the woman he wanted me to be.
I cannot attempt to put in words how much I miss him, love him and think of him.

I cannot get myself to believe that 'My daddy strongest' is dead.

Not alright

2008-10-19T23:13:00.004+05:30

I have a MASSIVE case of writers block. MASSIVE!!! I have stopped writing ...even in my head! It worries me a lot!
It has been over 2 months that I have stopped wanting to live and thought about death as the most pleasant and happy possibility. While I am functional, parts of me seem to be switching off and it feels strange to be so numb most of the times.

All I think about is how everything in my life is falling apart and how I am unable to salvage anything! Everything and anything...2 words that I have come to be petrified of!!! And fear is an emotion that I am not accustomed to feeling. I don't like it...not one bit!

Nothing that I have is truly mine...

2008-09-12T01:48:00.003+05:30

"...I've always thought that I would love to live by the sea

To travel the world alone and live my life more simply

I have no idea what's happened to that dream

Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy

Well I deserve nothing more than I get

Cos nothing I have is truly mine ..."

Its Dido...but hell...it could just about be me at this point in my life!

A little freaky..

2008-08-25T03:33:00.004+05:30

I was being driven home by Pa's assitant and while I was making polite conversation, he said something that stayed with me...maybe it struck a cord because I understood exactly what he meant...
"Deewangi se koi kya vajah kare?"
TRANSLATED: "how does one argue with passion/obssession?"
:-) :-) it amazes me how random people come up with insights about how I feel/think in the exact words that I cannot express my thoughts in!

Pearls of wisdom...

2008-08-22T01:59:00.001+05:30

I am completely disconnected with reality. I hardly step out of the house, except for the hospital and the past week, an hour at the gym. I spend all my waking hours with Pa and sleeping hours, with blissful oblivion.
I have'nt watched the olympics( regret it cos I was very excited about it!), did'nt watch Dark Knight in the theatre( JOKER!!!miss not knowing what the fuss is about), did'nt get wet in the pouring rains( something I do every monsoon and feel ectsatic), have'nt spoken to anybody except my ma,sis,bro( isnt that shocking!!I dont even want to communicate with anybody else), have'nt read the newspaper( I like believeing that the world outside does not exsist), have'nt visited monsoon sales ( THANK GOD! saves me the misery of feeling miserable cos I anyways dont have the money to buy anything), have'nt worried about my non exsistant future ( BLANK!), have'nt had the time to be scared for myself(whats the point anyways?!).

What I HAVE DONE is spend all my time Pa. We laugh, talk, fight, giggle, eat, drink, sing, cry, touch,share long silences. This is as connected as I can ever be with him. At time I wish that I could pause these moments and get time to stand still. Life revolves around him now a days and I love the fact that I am getting a chance to look after him.I also love it that I get to spend all my time with ma,is & bro. In a way, I love the feeling that I am protected and that its ok if I dont join the real world.

What amazes me is the 'insights to life' that he comes up with, in lucid/not so lucid moments. I get stumped!Guess life does teach you things that you dont stop to recognise the value of. Worse, that you forget to apply your own wisdom to your own life in the effective time-span.
Pearls of wisdom from a dying father to his young full-of-life daughter:
"
*You realise the value of life only when you are dying. Just as you realsie the value of youth only when you are old.
* I now look back and think , it would've have been ok if I had'nt worked so hard for money. I lost out on a lot of more important things cos I though I HAD to make more money to keep my loved ones happy.
* Life is all one big time pass.You are born and you die. All the time you have in between is at your disposal, so we have to keep ourselves occupied, entertained.
*You cannot trust anybody a 100% completely...not even yourself!
* I would beg, borrow, steal for my family.
*Most things that give us pleasure in life are quite inexpensive and the others, quite useless.
*You are good at a language when you can use the minimum number of words and make yourself explicitly clear, when people stop to listen to you, when you make sense...even to yourself!
*Read Capital market.
*Invest in real estate, providant funds and shares.
* A family is a support system. Value it. It needs to be nurtured.
*Health is wealth.
*You should exercise-to keep fit, to preserve your health, to age gracefully, to look good.
*Always dress well, even if you are broke. If you have 2 pairs of clothes, be clean, tidy and well turned out. Be smartly dressed.Wear what suits you.
*Being ambitious is necessary. Ambition and love are what give a persons life meaning.
* You should laugh with dignity and grace.
*Intelligence and class are never dependent on money.
* Never let a man( your husband/BF) strike you.NEVER!
* Always empower yourself. Thats the only way you can empower somebdy else.
*I love my family-my wife, my children. Everything I did, I did for them.
* I studied cos I knew education was the only thing that would help me survive, live respectably.
*Sex feels SO important. But you can do without it. Attraction, infatuation,sex...all intense feelings that fade away.
*A woman should be elegant more than beautiful.
*Your mother is a very strong woman.
*You should learn to 'give-in' to life . At times you need to surrender to powers higher to you, to things beyond your understanding.
* Faith in God helps me .
*Your sister is the most loyal person ever. Loyalty is one of the most imortant qualities in life.
* Society is the most useless important thing.
*Try to find meaning in what you do. A purpose helps you keep going.
* Some mistakes in life cannot be rectified.You can only regret them and live with them.Sometimes you pay too huge a price for your foolishness.
*I have lived on my own money for the past 40 years!!!
*Anything a person does, he always does it believing that he is a 100% correct, always believes that his decision is right. Only time tells you wether it was right or wrong.
..... "

Am waiting for more to come.At 28, am not that young and can relate to almost everything he says. [ ALMOST!:-) not everything]

DISCLAIMER: A lot of the above can be debated upon. But none can be dis-regarded.

The Wait

2008-08-17T04:39:00.000+05:30

hmmmm....
Its 4.40 in the morning. Am up in Pas' room...he is very ill. I stay up every night till 7 in the morning, just to make sure that he is breathing. Every time he tosses in his sleep, my heart skips a beat. Every time he mutters something, I hang on to every word of gibberish . Every morning as I crawl into bed, I say a silent thank you to who ever is up there, that I will get to see him tommorow. Every morn( aft) I wake up, the first thought in my mind is, 'I hope its a good day...for him'.
I go through a lot of moments when I feel totally overwhelmed. There are double the moments when I want to burst into tears at the unfairness( or is it fairness?) of life. And the remaining times I am numb. I've been here for 22 days. One day stumbles into another, each moment feels like a life time, each smile scares me cos I know I'll have to pay a price for it, every single breath I take feels like ten stolen from pa, every time ma is sitting alone I want to hug her and tell her not be scared while I am petrified.

I feel guilty a lot of times...for being young, for being alive, for wanting to live while one of my dearest people is dying,for wanting frivolous things out of life, for wanting the simple pleasures like plugging my Ipod into my ears and getting lost, for wanting to get on with life, for planning my Europe trip, for wanting to see the world, for wanting him to live even though he's in pain, for being selfish, for being scared, for being helpless, for not being strong enough,for all the times that I was nasty to him, for all the time that I wasted being mad about stupid things, for feeling like am yet 9 instead of 28 believing 'my daddy strongest', for sitting here in the dark...tears pouring down my face and writing all this cos I now feel like I'll burst if I dont!

It is the wait that is killing...him, his spirit, his essence, his will to go on....
It is the wait that is killing parts in me/us...cos the wait brings more of the unknown...and I am assured in this case that it is going to be painful for him.

I met a random stranger...

2008-07-24T02:48:00.000+05:30

I MET A RANDOM STRANGER….
I am a voyager... out on a journey... seeing the world...experiencing all things new that life offers me... looking for nothing in particular… hoping for special things to happen to me…eager that adventures would come my way!
He is a traveler…who just happened to stop at this place longer than others…seeing his world through another’s eyes… experiencing the same things through another person’s heart…hoping for out-of-the-ordinary thing to happen to him…accustomed to adventures taking place!

We met through odd (or should I say ordinary?) circumstances! :-)

They say a lifetime can be lived in moments. They say when you meet people who are supposed to mean something, you know it. If you don’t figure it out, then you keep meeting again and again, till you are sure that it wasn’t just accidental fluke. They say that magic exists only if you know where to look for it. They say that life is a series of losing and finding people…they say strangers are only friends you haven’t met yet.

Here’s to a man who is everything that is ‘technically wide of the mark.’
Here’s to a man who thinks and feels, who drinks and dopes, who travels the world and picks up his ‘type of women’, who has very few friends and a thousand acquaintances, who cares about people as much as he can and lives life on his own terms, who is prejudiced and yet accommodating, who parties harder than he works, who hates idiots and is prone to his own moments of silliness, who in his own words, is not a ‘wanker’! :-)

Here’s to a Dopey who made sure that I was high at all points that I was with him…whether it was on conversation, the setting, grass, the silences, alcohol, laughter, cigarettes, good company or just plain amazing music; who ensured that at every moment I was safe and looked after.

Here’s to a random stranger who I met in a strange land and felt completely at home with.

Here’s to a man who listened intently…who spoke earnestly…who said things that are wedged in my head…who observed minutely…who reveled in every moment we spent together … who probably understood that you can only laugh from your heart…who helped me put crabs back into the sea…who taught me how to roll a joint( MY FIRST!!)…who told me all the trivia, details, perks and dangers of doing so…who took immense pleasure in corrupting me and did it with integrity…who was more decent than I believed men can be!!!

Here’s to a man who was/is…
-arrogant when he says ‘I hate stupid people.’
- courteous when he offers to feed a hungry stranger.
- hospitable when he lets 2 dozen people into his house in the middle of the night.
- extremely annoying when he is incredibly mean in bouts of anger.
- endearing when he worries about his son…'his 2 yr old dog’!
- lost when he finds it incredibly difficult to run a house.
- vulnerable when he let his defenses down and shared childhood stories.
- very exasperating when he refuses to apologize for being hurtful.
- smart when he knows the difference between intelligent and clever.
- sensitive when he can call his best male-friend, ‘the sweetest Sweet-heart in the town’.
- perceptive when he can read my thoughts by looking into my eyes.
- heart-breaking-ly worldly wise when he says, ‘Life always goes on. You have P to go back to and spend your life with. I will be lonely and miss the companionship.’
- compassionate enough to let me cry about my dying father.
- adorable when he got addicted to ‘YOUTUBE’ …like a kid discovering 25 little Christmas gifts hidden in different places! :-)
- funny when he regaled tales about his travels.
- witty when he made me crack up with his escapade about ‘bicycle lamps’ when he was 13!:-):-)
-old when he grows a beard & patronizes 18 yr old girls, and boyish when is clean shaven & laughs when he sees me laughing!
- interesting enough to spend 72 hours with (A LIFETIME *esp for me* WITH AN UNFAMILIAR PERSON!!!)
- sly when he stole a 10Rs flying contraption for me! :-)
- unnerving when he stares impolitely and refuses to drop his gaze, never giving away what he’s thinking.
- cute when you see that he has a pink room with pink matching sheets!!!:-)
- persistent when he came looking for me after the first chance meeting
- fascinating when he told me details about all kinds of dope!!
- gentlemanly enough to not make a pass knowing that I would up and run away.
- a typical man when it bothered him that I got hit upon by another male… ”Don’t expect me to rescue you! If you can get into a conversation, you can also get out of one”! WHEW!!
- incisive when he said that ‘P and you balance each other out…even if it’s a balance that you find strange.’
- unassuming when he wears un-ironed clothes.*GRIN* AND doesn’t care 2 hoots about it!
- hopeful when he says, ‘ I believe nobody can rip off another person completely’.
- surprisingly inept when he cant pull up his maids for being sloppy! :-)
- at peace and complete when we walked with each other on the beach at sunset, picking up sea shells, admiring the stunning patterns & textures-some perfect, some imperfect…not knowing which were the most beautiful!:-)
- a perfect host when he opened his house to let me stay over and took me around to all the parties, all the eateries, all the interesting places in his city with pride.
- chivalrous when he kept checking in on me to see if I was ok, comfortable, enjoying myself.
- a little insecure when…(don’t have instances…its just something I felt strongly!)
- protective when he realized that ain’t used to an overload of substances and kept asking me to go slow!, concerned to see if I reached safely.
-horrifyingly ignorant when he told me that he hasnt heard of 'Snow White & the seven dwarfs'!!!(JEEEZ!!! I am yet in a state of shock!!!Had this urgent need to tell him the fairy tale...much to his horror!) :-)
- very sweet when I teased him much to his irritation! :-)
- a romantic when he held my hand while I dozed off to sleep out of exhaustion!
- poignant when he complained, ‘…God should give us more chances. At times we are just stupid and miss the ones he gives us’.
- a cynic when he scoffed at my wonder about all things novel.
- an idealist when he understood my wonder about a perfect lotus and helped me place another pebble on its leaf! :-) :-)

:-) :-) :-) hmmmm…it definitely sounds like am besotted!! :-) Maybe I am …maybe I am just happy to have met people who make me feel good…maybe I just love seeing the better side of human beings…maybe I like the fact that I met a man who didn’t have an agenda…maybe its as simple as meeting somebody who is not ‘normal’ yet great!

It definitely is the fact that I feel joyful to have met somebody who I could talk with beyond the regular realms that one subconsciously restricts oneself to!:-) :-)

Here’s to a random meeting with a random stranger in a new place!
Here’s to a random stranger who said that weird is good!

Here’s to a random stranger …
…who promised to show me a shooting star and flying fish, to toss eggs and make me French toast , to show me his paintings and watch a ‘cartoon movie’ with me, to take me to a beautiful farm and make me try all things ‘illicit’!:-)

…who didnt keep a single promise!!!
…who promised to keep all the promises before I die at 45!! :-) (I’LL WAIT!!!17yrs isn’t a very long span of time.) :-)
…who made me the most special promises! Special because they were so pure & so unexpected, so simple & so priceless, so worth looking forward to!!! :-)
…who smells as YUMMM as P & Swaps (THAT’S SAYING A LOT)!!!!
…who refused to see me off as it would be sad!
…who, when I hugged goodbye, I didn’t want to let go because I didn’t know if I would see him ever again!
…who felt like a long lost (or is it long found) friend!
…who told me that it’s hard to tell whether reality is an illusion or, illusion – a reality!
… who will forget me even before I reach home!*SIGH*:-)
… who will wake up and go to the same places we went to, meet many new interesting people and recreate the magic I would like to believe was only ours!
… who will slowly & steadily fade away to being just a happy memory in my being.
… who will be special because the connection was spontaneous, honest, fun, heartfelt, real, crossed all barriers, genuine, interesting, surreal!
…who is probably just another ordinary, wicked, run of the mill, lost soul?? Looking for a little companionship and a little love??
…who said “I am who I am. I won’t apologize for being me!"

HERE’S TO A RANDOM STRANGER I MET.

yet in motion...

2008-07-01T22:06:00.000+05:30

Have been meaning to write for the past 2 weeks, but have been so crazily busy that just havent had the time to even log on. I am constantly 'writing in my head' and its kind of frustrating that putting it up on my blog means going through multilpe steps of swtiching on my comp, connecting to the net, etc etc etc. Have been on one road trip!!!!:-) Am happy , exhausted, exhilarated, and so so many other things. Have just gotten back from Pondicherry and it has been one hell of a trip! :-) thanks to people i met who made it special. My faith in human beings is finally getting restored.:-)
Am really exhausted,so more to come later when i feel capable of thinking.:-) Leaving with a few lines that have been playing constantly in my head for the past 4 days....
"...The more I see, the less I know,
The more I'd like to let it go...."
Aurevior...:-)

IN AWE...

2008-06-22T07:21:00.001+05:30

ITS 6.30 IN THE MORN and I'm awake!! High on the glorious Sunrise!! Was so lovely that my brains stopped thinking for those few moments( indeed rare moments!!) and I said a silent prayer to whoever is up there!

Thank you for such sheer beauty!

Thank you for creating such a magnificent cosmos!

Thank you for such great details in the universe! Thank you for getting me here to witness it! Thank you for making me feel the way I do now!
Thank you for taking my breath away!

Thank you for showing me SO the colours I never knew existed!

Thank you for putting them all together and coming up with such a great piece of art!

Thank you for life! Thank you for being able to retain your beauty and not allowing man to taint it!

Thank you for making me feel inspired and humble at the same time!

Thank you for the vast all encompassing heart that you enfold us in!

Thank you for being so accomodating!

Thank you not being prejudiced or judgemental...for offering yourself to all out there without any conditions!

Thank you !!!...I feel so comforted in the knowledge that even if the world came to an end, it would end like this and start like this...a great way to conclude & begin!!
THANK YOU GOD...( for want of better words!) If nothing else, atleast you have your aesthetic sense in place!! :-)

Was just being a cynic up there!! Actually am scared that I might be converting into a believer! :-) Am on my way to Trivn now...will see the temple, the palace on the way and....and ....and ....until later..:-) :-)
P.S: Wish I could do this with every person I love...P, Swaps,chinx, D, manav, Shiraaz,Evan....missing every single one of you....

EXXXXCITED!!!

2008-06-21T21:21:00.000+05:30

SO MUCH TO WRITE....:-)
But firts comes first!! AM IN KANYAKUMARI!!! Its 8.30 in the morn and I have just checked into my room with a great sea view! :-) I CANT BELIEVE I"M ACTUALLY HERE AND DOING THIS!! Its simply AWESUM!!! The pleasures of travelling alone!! And being a woman just makes it all the more special.:-) Who says its a mans world!
The scenic beauty is lovely and I'm thinking Vivekanand was so lucky that he could just take off and sloth in such a beautiful place in the midst of nowhere!!

I dont really have much time to write now as I want to explore the place...but will definitely catch up in tonight. I AM HERE AND DOING THIS :-) :-) :-) ALL ALONE!!!! AMAZING OR WHAT!!!!

Not processesd yet...

2008-06-16T16:20:00.000+05:30

I just for the life of me cannot begin to put into words ALL THAT I AM FEELING & THINKING! :-) Its jsut SO MUCH that the wheels in my brains are whirring! I am going to write about the folks I am staying when I can stop feeling overwhelmed.
About the work they are doing-- A lot of thoughts in my head…don’t really know how to process them anymore….am writing more as a way of thinking aloud…I see ALL the good & am so relieved cos these are the kind of things that restore my faith in people & life, but I couldnt help thinking other things too...especially I am wondering what the society considers NORMAL & REGULAR! I just dont understand what I will teach my daughter/son? What beliefs & faiths will I hand over? Whether I will be any kind of role model at all...God knows I dont want to add another messed up being to this already messed up world...
Somehow I don’t know what reality is anymore. Or rather the reality I see is kind of distorted…that it is normal there are a thousand of sorrows people inflict on each other every day? That people can handle hurt, anger, jealousy, irrational expectations, pain, indifference, heartbreaks, but not pure unadulterated affection? That people dream about laptops, raises and farmhouses rather than love? That men & women can sell their time, but never buy it back? That people take for granted the love that they are blessed with? That every dreams worth is measured in terms of moolah? That young adults are more confused than sorted out despite all the options/choices...despite the fact that most of us dont really have to worry about a roof over our head & 2 square meals a day, even 4? That some people are willing to squander away all that they are capable of and choose to lead a ‘wasteful life’ while others never have any opportunities and yet try….and hope & live & love!
And yet , all these things happen , so it doenst really matter what I believe or don’t believe! Everything that goes against Nature, against our most intimate desires, is normal in our eyes, even thought its an aberration in Gods eyes!!
*SIGH* I don’t know what I will teach my daughter about life and people! I dont knwo what I have learnt about them! And yet I dont want to be this person who doesnt believe in magic of any sort, cos true to my sould, I DO!!!

Getting on a train...

2008-06-15T14:05:00.000+05:30

I’m on the train and on my way to Chennai…FINALLY!!!! :-) :-) Jeeeeez! I almost didn’t make it!!! Not kidding!! So what you’ll read below is the hair raising tale of my ‘Catching the train’!
General status: ITS POURING CATS AND DOGS!!!!!

3.20 pm - I am sitting on the bed, crying over some thing that I now forget. My packing is almost done, but am yet trying to figure out how many pairs of shoes to carry. My eyes are swollen with all the crying and I just want to curl up & sleep. Obviously THAT isn’t happening as my body functions absolutely independently from my brains. As a result it hasn’t switched off since the past 30 hrs due to all the excitement that’s brimming!

4.30 pm- P is gonna drop me to the station so he came home. I made him Maggie noodles (of course I cook!!:-) ) and went back to my window sill & continued my profound activity of staring at nothingness, all the while wondering, ‘why do we say pouring cats & dogs?? If were God, just to humor humans I WOULD make it pour cats & dogs one fine day. I imagine just how funny it’ll be!!’

5.00 pm- P walks into my room and just stands there with a raised eyebrow knowing that I am in a weird frame of mind. (for want of better words!) I refuse to be interrupted and continue being a zombie.

5.15 pm- I check my tickets and it hits me like a punch that my train is at 6.10!!!! Jesus Christ!!! ALL THIS TIME I THOUGHT MY TRAIN WAS SCHEDULED FOR 6.30!!! Obviously THIS finally makes me get off my ass AND what ensued was a crazy blurr of me going nuts!! In flat 15 mins, I have a bath( wash my hair too!), throw in my laptop, I-pod, fon, blue tooth dongle, adaptor etc and half a dozen wires that keep all these contraptions running !! Stuff in 5 books, my writing pad, a sweater, pens, a crossword, girlie essentials, etc etc while I am hollering away all the time!! (Something I kept doing till the train started)

5.35 pm- In the car & P is driving like a safe maniac. This obviously annoys me beyond imagination as I am insisting that I drive! (Thank god he didn’t let me! I would’ve definitely run over half the population of Pune & would now be in jail instead of on my way to Chennai). I have to pick something up from the tailors & I think it took P all his sanity to not lose his mind.

5.55 pm- At the station signal and got stuck in a bloody jam! I am very much hyperventilating and suggest that I make a dash for it. P looks at me like I’ve gone mad and considering that it’s raining so heavily, it definitely wasn’t a very sane idea.

6.00 pm- At the station…FINALLY!!! The car comes to a halt and before u can say 'boo’ I am out on my feet with my 2 haversacks, another bag. P insists that I run to the train and that he’ll get the last bag. What follows next is ….WHEW!!!

I get in through the canteen cos it’ll save me a 3 min run, dash through all the poor hungry souls, rapidly ask the bookstall guy how to get to B1-chenani exp, have to bloody climb the bridge & cross over & get down AND to make me finally snap-my bogie is the last on the platform!! SO here I am …running like the devil is after my soul, banging into at least 300 people (the remaining 200 had the sense to not get in my way & save themselves the trauma), almost tumbling down the flight of stairs, freezing cos I got drenched in the rain and generally screaming my head off at everybody to let me pass!!!

I made such a spectacle of myself!!! And Jesus Christ!! Am so out of shape!!! A six min run and I am seeing spots in front of my eyes!!!

6.08 pm- Am in front of my boggie and THERES NO trace of P!!! SO NOW I am screaming into my fon cos I am petrified that am gonna reach Chennai without my bare essentials!

6.09 pm- P miraculously appears from inside my train! I AM STUMPED!!! Tells me I am incredibly stupid and honestly speaking, I feel incredibly foolish!

IN MY HEAD- “Jeeeez!! How did he manage to get there before I did? Like is there a magic tunnel that opens into my boggie that I am not aware off & I ran like a dimwit half way across the station?"

And amazingly, he also had bought me locks & a chain to secure my luggage!! And he’s smiling, pushing my bags under the seat, making polite conv with my co passengers, buying me water, etc etc. AND HE’S CALM!!! I JUST DON’T KNOW HOW HE DOES IT!!!!

6.11 pm- The train starts moving. We r on the platform, so I give him a tight hug and hard kiss (much to his consternation, horror & secret pleasure!!!(I think))
and hop on the train. I see him smile broadly, waving & asking me to enjoy myself; and I am wondering, what makes him love me so much?! I just don’t get it!! Either he is just crazy & does a great job of pretending to be normal, or has bad karma pending from his past life!
Ummmmm….I can be so daft!!! OR ITS JUST THAT I DID SOMETHING AWFULLY RIGHT IN MY PAST LIFE AND GOT LUCKY!!! INCREDIBLY LUCKY!! J J

I seriously hope that this isn’t a sign of things to come & doesn’t set the tone of the trip! SERIOUSLY!!! Even ‘I ‘ can handle just about so much excitement!

6.20 pm- YEEEAAIIIIEEEEE!!!!! I’M ON MY WAY!!!! WUHOOOO! :-) :-) In all the craziness, I forgot my camera, wine, shrewsberry biscuits and I can’t believe I forgot the camera! Half a dozen people calling me frantically & confirming if I finally made it! Any ways…. :-) :-) :-)

Until the next time….

P.S: No cute, interesting men in sight…*POUT* Just my luck!

Here I go again....

2008-06-14T03:31:00.000+05:30

*SMILE* its 3.45 in the morn and I am YET packing!! Am so excited that even to me, it feels a little unnatural!! My list of things to carry, not forget, DEFINITLEY will forget, try not to forget, is just never ending & quite ridiculous!! Like a typical girl, I am going a lil nuts abt just HOW many & WHAT clothes I am supposed to take.I have half the world telling me that I need to dess down, and somehow I am getting a lil annoyed about it. Like hello men!! Gawk all u want!!I really think thats amazingly looser-ish!
(P.S: I couldnt feel more frivolous cos I am actually penning THIS down, but then hell! I am allowed my moments)

3 weeks seems like a very long time and I am getting a lil worried about being home sick. Anyways, this promises to be an interesting trip( talk about understatements!!:-) ) and even the fact that I aint on talking terms with a friend, isnt dampening my spirits! :-) I'm gonna be travelling by train after 7 long years!!!Really hoping that there arent wailing babies around!!:-) There are SO many thoughts spinning in my head that I can see words & images doing somersaults to the effect that I am unable to pen down anything in particular. As usual, there's a song that puts in words exactly what I feel...:-)

'...I can't wait to get on the road again, on the road again, I just love making music with my friends;

going places that I've never been, seeing things that I may never see again,

And I can't wait to get on the road again...on the road again

Like a free spirited gypsy, I go down the highway

Insisting that the world keep turning my way

I dont know where Im going....But, I sure know where Ive been

Hanging on the promises....In songs of yesterday

And I've made up my mind,I aint wasting no more time

But, here I go again.....Here I go again

Though I keep searching for answers, never seem to find what I'm looking for....

I'm gonna hold on for the rest of my days,

Cos i know what it means,

To walk alone the lonely street of dreams.....

And here I go again, on my own

Going down the only road I've ever known,

Like a hobo, I was born to walk alone

And Ive made up my mind...I aint wasting no more time,

And here I go again....on my own"

:-) :-)

ummmm....I think thats 2 songs that've gotten jumbled up in mind!!

AKANKSHA HANGOVER!!!:-)

2008-06-11T22:40:00.001+05:30

Hey! everybody who has checked my blog...:-) All of you HAVE to check out 'sunshinearoundtheworld.blogspot.com'!!
I know I know!! You'll are going, 'Nooooo K !!! Not Akanksha again!!For Gawds sake!!!'
:-) :-) But guys!! JUST CHECK IT OUT!!! and though I wasnt a part of putting the final thing together...*SIGH* what can I tell you'll that u'll dont already know!
The passion,love,crazy emotional attachment,the kids,the belief,the dreams,the disillusionment,the hope!*SIGH* :-) Just to feel good about the world...if u are in the mood for some unadulterated idealism and want to read something high on EQ...*SMILE* ... OH! and by the way...am finally blogging to ...well...maybe under the delusion that people out there will be interested in ...well, in getting a peek into my incredibly twisted mind!! HE HE!!

I also hope for this to be a kind of travalogue...:-) so look out for strange, insightful, subjective, passionate, emotional, disconnected, funny( I HOPE) interesting snippets of my life...in LA-LA Land ...as everybody who knows me, calls my realm of exsistance...:-)
OH !! AND PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS IF U'LL DO GET THE TIME!:-) *pout* and try not to poop my bubble ! :-)
P.S: if I am far fetched & 'out there' at times...well, its just a personality trait.( flaw?) *SMILE*